Love and War

“The rules of fair play do not apply in love and war. ” – John Lyly, “Eupheus”, 1578

Why all the kerfuffle about General David Petraeus and his mistress Paula Broadwell?  While this is a tragic take-down of a respected officer, it’s business as usual if you consider that all’s fair in love and war.

To review:  The young military scholar Paula Broadwell met General Petraeus, whom she deeply admired, at a Harvard lecture he gave in 2006.  They kept in touch, and he agreed in 2009 to mentor her as she worked on her dissertation.  She eventually converted this project into a book–his biography.  However, the General was inconveniently married, and in my humble opinion that engendered Broadwell’s game plan:  To win him over, get him “single” by exposure of the affair, leave her husband, and marry Petraeus, whom she believed would run for President in a few years with her at his side.  Game, set, match.

Paula the Broad is a West Point grad who has studied military strategy.  She is by all accounts brilliant, and the lady plays for keeps.  So, in order to expose the affair, Paula made a tactical battlefield decision to send harassing emails to “love rival” Jill Kelley.  She figured Kelley would bring them to someone’s attention and they would be traced back to Paula, thus eventually leading to exposure of her affair with Petraeus.

I look forward to seeing First Lady Paula at President Petraeus’s side some day.  She’ll be fashionable and smart–kind of a Jackie Kennedy-type with Sarah Palin specs who gives lectures when she’s not tending to her kids whom she has half the week and alternate weekends (joint custody having been established with her ex).  Holly Petraeus, having been well-provisioned by her remorseful ex, will be living in a nice home in Alexandria or Falls Church.  The President/General will praise her work with military vets when he lays a wreath at Arlington.   The media will still be urging a Total Makeover for Holly.

I see President Petraeus serving two terms and then supporting Paula, the former Army Reserve Lieutenant Colonel, in her run for President.  She’ll make us proud to shatter that glass ceiling and elect our first woman President.  President Paula will need a social director for the White House, and if she really wants to make amends with Jill Kelley, she’ll hire her but keep a close eye on “Peaches” the First Husband when Jill’s around.  Pass the canapés.

I don’t know if Jill will still be with her husband the cancer doctor–she may keep him around till the three kids are teens–but I kind of think she’ll want to move on and be a real diplomat or professional hostess instead of an Honorary Consul with a large circular driveway.  Being a doctor’s wife can get tedious as he’s never around and you can’t expect him to skip tumor removal to take you to the mall.

Having created this win-win scenario, I want to ask everyone involved to call a truce.  That includes General John Allen, who  spent too much time emailing the lovely Jill and calling her “Sweetheart.”  Dudes don’t do that anymore, Gen–it’s “Babe,” “Beautiful,”  “Doll”  or the more familiar “Ho.”  Those are the Big Four.  Only gangsters on the Movie Channel say “Sweetheart” and they pronounce it “Sweethaht.”  As for the FBI agent who was sending Jill those shirtless pics–he should have known she wouldn’t go for it.  Jill likes a man in uniform, not chest hair.  Try again next Halloween.

Lately we’ve been told we’re a changed country, and that Americans have “evolved” to the point where they embrace gay marriage, online porn, and sexting your significant other.  So why would they object to tactics that a master strategist like Paula Broadwell has implemented to achieve her goals?  In fact, since generals seem to be falling right and left, maybe Paula Broadwell should be the new Supreme NATO Commander or at least have a go at Afghanistan.  Peaches could accompany her now that he’s left his job and is a bit at loose ends.  Just keep it classy, guys, and stop doing it under the desk.  The webcam doesn’t pick up anything that far down, and we all want the chance to watch in real time now that we’ve gone “all in” with this 24/7 media circus.  It’s only fair.