I wish Fox News would stop making my head hurt with all this Libya stuff. The Benghazi bungle resulted in four deaths, okay–got it. We know we’re at war with terrorists and stuff happens. It’s called collateral damage. Fox needs to cover something more timely like the epic storm that’s coming.
Hurricane Sandy will blow in with unbelievable force, probably hitting New Jersey first before it slowly moves to affect what may be an 800-mile area. This will be the storm of storms, dumping snow on leaf-laden branches and even causing a surge that could flood the New York subways.
Yet, according to one cable network, I’m supposed to be worried about something that happened way back on September 11th halfway around the world. We have plenty of embassies and consulates all over, some of them in dangerous areas but you’d think that Fox didn’t know that. I mean, who cares whether Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, that relic of times past, ordered a stand-down or the order came from higher up?
Please, no more of this droning about a 7-hour firefight in a corner of the world where they are always quarreling and can’t seem to agree about anything except that they hate Americans, Jews, Christians, and Israel, and that women should cover their faces and stay home. Check, got it.
Back in NYC, Mayor Bloomingidiot has already ordered the subways shut down and schools closed in anticipation of Sandy. He says buy some batteries for your flashlight and get food but no drinks larger than 16 ounces.
Leon Panetta says he didn’t have enough real-time intelligence to order assistance for the consulate. Maybe Leon got confused and thought he was still Bill Clinton’s Chief of Staff, ordering intel on one of his interns, Monica Lewinsky, to see whether he should barge into the Oval Office and disrupt her high-level negotiations with the President. Not enough real-time info then too. Rumors of cigars and blue dresses, but no real evidence. Best to punt and await further intel.
So, this time Leon decided to withhold assistance from some Navy SEALs who defied orders and rushed to the aid of trapped embassy workers. No cigars or trysts, but no real evidence. Await further intel, said Leon. Changing out of his fleece-lined slippers, he probably whined to his wife, “When can I retire to my walnut groves? Chief of the White House Staff, Head of the CIA, now Defense Secretary–haven’t I done enough? The boss is already sleeping, and I’m supposed to stay up and deal?”
Meanwhile, I’m relaxing out here in balmy Taxifornia, where it’s in the low 80s outside and the sun never sets on Jerry Brown’s threats to ax school funds if we don’t pay up. I’ve always loved dramatic weather and hate to admit how much I enjoy seeing all the sandbagging, window-boarding and other storm preps going on back East. It’s so cool to view the Weather Channel reporters standing in heavy rain in one of my favorite places on Earth, Nags Head NC on the Outer Banks. (I think Nags Head may have been named after Jerry Brown, the way he keeps on carping that if we don’t vote for Proposition 30 an epic storm will hit our schools and after all (violins, please), it’s for the children.)
Wow! Just saw a woman who has a beach-side restaurant in New Jersey who’s worried it will be carried out to sea–it was previously wrecked by Hurricane Irene and rebuilt. Last time, she lost some important documents left inside. Like at our Benghazi consulate, which got ransacked. Ouch, get out of my head, Fox News. I don’t want to know that important papers naming our Libyan security contractors were stolen along with a safe. When can I retire to my armchair and just relax? Technical writer, editor, librarian–and now I’m supposed to worry about some hellhole I’d be pressed to find on a map?
Not to be taken as a segue to “hellhole,” that would involve Newark or Camden, but it’s interesting that the New Jersey restaurant owner says this time she’ll be more careful with her storm preparations. Wouldn’t have guessed it! Now, that’s what I call news. Here, let me put my feet up. Just hand me my iced tea and bag of nachos and I’m good.
Love your parody, Stephanie. I worried at first, but by the time I got to the end, it was perfectly clear that you had your tongue in cheek. I think you were right, however, that America knows enough about Benghazi to hang the administration from a tall tree, and can now get moving forward to the rest of its lies. Even Romney saw, in the final debate, that there was not much to be gained by beating a dead horse. Obama and his people have been found guilty by a jury of We the People, and sentencing will occur on November 6. Obama didn’t even get his chance at “summation.” Romney backed off and Obama fell down to a child’s level of defensiveness. Poor guy!
Posted by Linus | October 28, 2012, 7:26 pmI anticipated that some would not recognize this at first as satire or parody. But rest assured, anything I write is meant to make you laugh and not to be taken seriously any more than you would seriously believe Jonathan Swift when he said the solution to Ireland’s hunger problem is to cook and eat little children. “I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; …” -Jonathan Swift, A Modest Proposal, 1729
Posted by stephaniesharf | October 28, 2012, 8:38 pmI’m with Linus. It only took me a few lines though to be brought back to a comfortable state where I could just enjoy your writing. Thanks Stephanie.
Posted by Cucciolo | October 29, 2012, 12:32 pmYou mean I have succeeded in my goal of comforted the afflicted and afflicting the comfortable? LOL Thanks, Linus.
Posted by stephaniesharf | October 29, 2012, 1:51 pm